Here   are   some   great   animal   jokes!!  

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Seeing Eye Dog Joke

There are two guys, one with a Doberman Pincher and one with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pincher says to the guy with the Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pincher puts on a pair of dark sunglasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed." The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pincher?" He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're really very good." The guy at the door says, "Come on in." The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark sunglasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?" He says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?

Things I have learned from my cats:

•Make the world your playground.
•Whenever you miss the sandbox, cover it up. Dragging a sock over it helps
•If you can't get your way, lay across the keyboard till you do.
•When you are hungry, meow loudly so they feed you just to shut you up.•Always find a good patch of sun to nap in.
•Nap often.
•When in trouble, just purr and look cute.
•Life is hard, and then you nap.
•Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours.
•Variety is the spice of life. One day, ignore people; the next day, annoy them, and play with them when they're busy.
•Climb your way to the top, that's why the curtains are there.
•Make your mark in the world, or at least spray in each corner.
•Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the bed tells them, "I care".

Doggie at the Movies

I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man. "That's the most amazing thing I've seen," I said. "That dog really seemed to enjoy the film." The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, it is. He hated the book."

Moms 'n' Dogs

A talent scout is walking down the street and comes across a man and his dog. The little dog is singing. He has a lovely voice and the talent scout says, "Come to my office. I want to sign you and this marvelous dog to a contract. This dog can make us both rich." The man brings his little dog to the talent scouts office. The little dog is just about to finish singing "La Donna E' Mobile" (and sounding like Luciano Pavarotti), when a large dog runs into the room and grabs him by the scruff of the neck. She runs away with him in her mouth. The talent scout yells, "Stop her. She's taking away our fortune!" The man replies, sadly, "It's no use. That's his mother. She doesn't want him to be an entertainer. She wants him to be a doctor."

"Signs You Have a Dumb Dog"

10. Lengthy pause after "Bow" while it tries to remember "Wow"
9. Buries tail, wags bones
8. When you give him Alpo, he just eats the meat-by products
7. Despite the overwhelming evidence, still smokes two packs a day
6. Showed up at the Whoopi Goldberg roast in cat face
5. Has suffered over two dozed concussions from toilet seat falling on his head
4. Thinks "Snausages" is a real word
3. Voted for Fred Grandy, Love Boat's gopher, because he really thought he'd be a good congressman
2. When playing Jeopardy always forgets to phrase the answer in the form of a question.
1. Constantly chasing people named "Katz"

How to Photograph Your Puppy

1.Remove film from box and load camera.
2.Remove film box from puppy's month and throw in trash.
3.Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
4.Choose a suitable background for photo.
5.Mount camera on tripod, check flash and focus.
6.Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
7.Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
8.Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
9.Focus with one hand while fending off puppy with other hand.
10.Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
11.Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
12.Put magazines back on coffee table.
13.Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.
14.Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
15.Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say- "No, no outside!"
16.Call friend to help clean up the mess.
17.Fix a drink.
18.Sit back in chair, put your feet up, sip your drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.

How to Give Your Cat a Health Pill in 10 Easy Steps

1.Sit on sofa. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your elbow as though you were going to give a bottle to a baby. Talk softly to it.
2.With right hand, stroke cat's throat until it opens its mouth (be patient). Drop pill into mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.
3.Pick the pill up off the floor and go get the cat. Sit on floor in kitchen, wrap arm around cat as before, drop pill in mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.
4.Scoot across floor to pick up pill, and go find the cat. Bring it back into the kitchen. Hold cat as before, but hold down its front paws with forearm. Drop pill into mouth.
5.Pry claws from back legs out of your arm. Go get the cat, pick up half-dissolved pill from floor and drop it into garbage can.
6.Get new pill from bottle. Go into bathroom and get a fluffy towel. Stay in the bathroom with the cat, and close the door.
7.Sit on bathroom floor, wrap towel around kitty, leaving only his head exposed. Cradle kitty in the crook of your arm, and pick up pill off of counter.
8.Retrieve cat from top of shower door (you didn't know that cats can jump 5 feet straight up in the air, did you?), and wrap towel around it a little tighter, making sure its paws can't come out this time. With fingers at either side of its jaw, pry it open and pop pill into mouth. Quickly close mouth (his, not yours).
9.Sit on floor with cat in your lap, stroking it under the chin and talking gently to it for at least a half hour, while the pill dissolves.
10.Unwrap towel, open bathroom door. Wash off scratches in warm soapy water, comb your hair, and go find something to occupy your time for 7-1/2 hours, then repeat.

Dog Rules

1.The dog is not allowed in the house.
2.Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
3.The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
4.The dog can get on the old furniture only.
5.Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
6.Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
7.The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
8.The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only
9.The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
10.Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.

Rabbit Joke

A farmer came in from a hard day's work and got showered, shaved and all cleaned up and was sitting on the front porch rocking, reading the paper and waiting for supper.

A rabbit came hopping across the front yard and hopped out on the road and was hit by a truck.

About 15 minutes later the same truck came back down the road and stopped right by the dead rabbit. The driver got out, took the top off a bottle and poured it on what was left of the rabbit. He threw the bottle over into the ditch in the weeds and drove off.

The farmer thought, "Well, this is strange." But he kept rocking and pretty soon he saw one of the ears of the rabbit kind of flicker. Soon the other ear perked up, and slowly the head begin to re-form, and the farmer thought, "Boy, I've been in the sun too long." Slowly, the whole rabbit came back, and he got his two front shoulders and front feet working, though he was stiff from being hit. He got his two front feet up, and he turned around and waved at the farmer. The rabbit started to hop away, and about every four or five hops it would stop and turn around and wave at the farmer. Soon the rabbit was out in the field.

The farmer decided he had to see what was in that bottle. So he went out to the ditch and found the bottle. And on the bottle it said, "Hair restorer with a permanent wave."

Look it Up!

A panda went into a Bar & Grill the other day for a meal. After ordering and consuming his lunch, he proceeds to take out a revolver and blasts the daylights out of the restaurant. Bullets were flying everywhere, windows shattering, lights exploding and all the patrons were ducking for cover! He then calmly wipes his mouth with his napkin and saunters toward the door. The owner, shocked and appalled beyond belief, screams at him, 'What was that all about!!' The panda turns as he exits and disdainfully replies, 'I AM A PANDA, look it up!!'

The horrified owner goes to his office where he had a dictionary and finds the reference for Panda.

":A large mammal, resembling a bear, native to Western China, eats shoots and leaves! "

Race Horse Joke Some race horses were staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!" Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!" "Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've one 28!", says another, flicking his tail. At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in MY last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!" The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

Duck Feed

A duck walks into a feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?"

The clerk tells him, "No, we don't have a market for it so we don't carry it." The duck says, "Okay," and leaves.

The next day, the duck walks in to the feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?" Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves.

Next day, the duck walks in, and asks, "Got any duck feed?" The clerk says, "I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed, we've never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor." The duck leaves.

The next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any nails?"

"No."

"Got any duck feed?"

The Parrot and the Magician

There was this magician who owned a parrot and every time he did his magic act, the parrot would spoil the trick. The parrot would scream out, "It's up his sleeve" or "It's in his mouth" or "It's behind him." The magician was getting pretty sick of this, but didn't quite know what to do about the parrot.

Well, one evening, right at the climax of his act, just as he was about to disappear in a puff of smoke, when the ship, he was performing on, hit an iceberg and sank in seconds.

Amazingly the magician and the parrot were the only two survivors. The magician was lying on a piece of driftwood in a daze. As he opened his eyes he could see the parrot staring at him out its beady little eye.

The parrot sat there for hours, just staring at him.

Eventually, it said, "Okay, I give up -- what did you do with the ship?"

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Facts About The Eagle
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